Destiny

I called her up
and she came into my life smiling.
I said I needed her like never before.
She touched my face
and kissed me full.
I asked her who she was.
She didn't speak.
What could she say?
How could I know?
But she made me so happy
I fell in love
and asked her to stay with me.
I saw her breasts wet with passions sweat
and flushed with our pleasure.
I've seen her laugh and cry
without restraint.
I came to know her as myself
and came to love myself as much as I loved her.
But with so many moments
and too many people
she went for it and died.

I awoke pulling the blankets from my face
only to find another of painted plaster
bearing down upon me.
Nothing moved.
And if not for the light in the window
I would have felt alone
and could have died without moving myself.
I walked to the window,
pulled down the curtains,
and saw a blanket of gray light
hovering above the trees.
I saw birds and bugs,
and desired to be free of those dried, hollow walls.
I felt trapped.
After smashing the glass
life filled my lungs.
Coolness hit my face
as I dug my fingers into the soil
and ate the grass.
The blanket of light moved above me,
like a ghost it rose, dissolving,
becoming something else.
A deep blue blanket appeared
with a light too bright to look at burning a hole in it.
The light moved with a determined grace,
rising, making me sweat.
When it fell away
specks of light quivered in the darkness,
and intensely I searched them
for some kind of opening,
for some kind of freedom,
and I quivered as well.
Looking farther than ever,
I covered my face
and closed my eyes.

Rising clouds of ether carry distant thoughts
making every moment real.
With eyes closed the soul couples everything,
what can't be seen
and the unknown.
Father and lovers are more intimate.
There is no chill in the celestial haze
drifting through this ephemeral domain I call myself.
Though horrors spring from the dusk
there is no pain nor loss.
To imagine, to fancy, to create
a fabulous place.
Surrendering, the dreamer becomes a dream.

I picked myself off the ground
under a half moon pitted with scars
and walked into the woods
away from the telephone wires
and plaster walls.
Masses of pine stood against the night
breathing deeply, swaying.
I stood among them with my arms stretched out
and breathed as they did.
Together we sighed.
And I was content to stand there indefinitely,
until the mosquitoes sucked all my blood,
until lightening struck me dead,
or until a man chopped me down.
I knew the sun appeared again
for the light shines in the darkness
whether I know myself or not.
Sometime in the day I fainted.
My limbs and trunk collapsed into the wild grass
where I laid until one morning
I found myself hungry.

For life I searched the waters
where a thousand suns dance
upon the heavens of another world.
I cast my lines into the depths,
down to the cold mud my mind wandered
where the flow is sure,
clouds pass swiftly,
and others live.
I waited for them among those granite bits of time
scattered on the banks of the endless flow.
Into my fingers they came
smelling my flesh,
tasting my food,
but not knowing my mind.
I lifted them high
praising their being.
I blessed their life
and made it my own.

I've known myself one moment
then let go of myself the next.
Like a kite being carried by the wind,
often the line was so tight
I had to let it go,
then found myself soaring.
Though I floundered and my body strained,
though I lost all control,
the wind was my life.
Even as it tore my flesh
it was my glory.
And if I fell to the earth breaking every bone,
if my skull cracked through,
there was always the next moment,
and forever this one.

I followed a trail north
up the Lonely River into the Forgotten Forest
where I came upon two men fishing.
I watched them from a distance
until they bid me to join them.
They looked at me strange
then gave me a beer.
"Beautiful country."
"Yeah."
"Are you camping?"
"Just wandering around."
"How long you been up here?"
"I don't remember."
Seeing I had no pack, nor bag, and not even a knife,
they had to ask, "How do you live? Where do you sleep?"
I shrugged and told them I managed to stay alive.
"The truth is mister, you barely look it. Are you crazy?"

"There comes a time
when a man is different from his fellows.
I'm not a wise man, nor a prophet, nor an angel,
but only human as humans can only be.
Though I be gross and offensive to many
as a pile of shit,
still others love me
and the earth takes me in.
What of my sweaty palms and spastic brow?
What of my limp wrists and queer tongue?
Humanity wallows in mire.
Crawling, struggling in golden piss
with bubbles bursting in air.
We kill and die,
fight and avenge,
for what?
Can't I leave you fellows with your gory
and go sit with the flies awhile?"

Reason returned
long enough to know
that I would probably die
if I continued this course.
Death, adventure into the unknown,
and although I dared,
I didn't want it.
When uncertainty makes me think
and I am anxious for what may happen,
I look out as far as I can
and pray.

"Bless me God
for I am your life
and have surrendered to your will.
I believe that all I am
is all I'm supposed to be,
and all that I become
is your doing
and our glory.
But it has happened that I've found myself lost,
and it looks to me that I will die
if I go on this way
as a child chasing butterflies
farther and deeper into this wilderness.
Still it is enough to know that you are with me.
And if I close my eyes once more
never to awaken,
if I fall unto the earth
never to arise,
I would still love our life and my fate
even though I die."

Anxiety flees from faith bestowed
for whatever happened hence would have been alright.
I continued up the river
and with no doubt,
surrendered completely.
Before nightfall,
moment to moment no longer existed,
nor did I.

There were neither stars, nor trees, nor moon,
but there were fires spread out around me
and the air was very still.
And I thought the earth had already taken me in
for I laid in a huge chamber,
in the belly of a mountain
where the reds, browns and yellows
changed again and again.
I noticed I breathed
then touched myself.
The fires were warm.
As the chamber's space was filled with melodies
of a lyre and a cherub's song,
forms moved like shadows prancing in the dust
and above me one of them spoke,
"Though your memory fails
you've been here before,
destined as you've been to wander.
We are the chosen few
preparing for that imminent day
when civilization is destroyed.
We're the beginnings of the enlightened,
new civilization.
We want you to join us."
I said I didn't care for civilization.

With white hair and a cane
a man approached me declaring,
"As much as something creates it is created,
and all things create as much as anything else.
Because man consciously creates he thinks he is free,
but not knowing everything is bound
he misses the chance to be free from himself.
Why do you now return to yourself
after you have been blessed?"
I looked into his black eyes
and told him if a man was responsible for anything
it was to himself.

As fatigue made me sleep
a fat girl of adolescence
with an acne face and stringy hair
grabbed my arm desperate.
"What's wrong? Why doesn't anyone like me?"
I felt her tears real on my hand
as her body convulsed.
I told her I liked her.
"I don't believe you. You don't even know me."
I told her she could believe what she wanted.
"How can I know?"
What could I say?
I fondled her ugly face and kissed her full.

Her appearance changed
until she came to look like someone I loved.
The transformation continued
as her eyes became clusters of countless galaxies
and her hair turned into many streaming rainbows
cascading from a medieval castle,
which was her body sitting upon this man.
She opened her mouth releasing a swarm of mouths
which were as a bellowing cloud speaking,
"Do you want to know me?"
"I'm afraid that you would overwhelm me completely."
"Trust me."
"Who are you?"
"You've sat with me on the rocks,
sighed with me in the trees,
and we swam with the fish.
Together we fell in love
and became so close that we felt alone.
Remember that you can have all you desire
and that freedom lies with those distant lights
in the darkness."

I made the bed,
put new drapes in the window
and picked the glass up off the floor.
Then I went into the living room
where Destiny sat watching TV.
I fell before her and cried,
"Oh Destiny, I love you! You are all I desire!"
"You are a darling, but what has gotten into you?"
"It's just that I love you so much."
"And I love you."

I love her dear
ever more every year
far more than a poet's line
or a lover's song so very fine.
Joy and peace come to once a lonely heart
surely lasting longer than morning the darkness part,
and more touching than sun the sky
this lively lover's laugh rises high
forever from my tender human soul
beyond godly worlds we lovers go.
Though a truth, meaning, and words have everyone,
and God be crucified, a mission done,
and if life be crazy and all absurd
with so many people crying over a turd,
it all makes little difference to me
because I love Destiny